Me versus Aunty Jee = Simren

One of the weddings I attended was of a distant relative.  It was in Bolton and the weather was miserable.  As you may well have read on my blog on earlier posts that I try my upmost to stay away from Asian social gatherings – and I have my reasons.

However, I had a conversation with an Aunty Jee (who is not related, but out of respect it is common to call them Aunty) as follows:

Aunty Jee:  “Puthar (Son), it’s been a long time, where you been hiding?”

Me:  “Hello Aunty Jee, Hiding, No Aunty – I’ve been extremely busy with work and stuff – you know how it is with us young guns”  I’m thinking this will be a quick Hi and Bye.

Aunty Jee:  “Yes, yes, yes, in our days when we were young, we didn’t have all this technology and easy things, like bacebook (she meant facebook) or mobiles bhones (she meant mobile phones) we had to do everything the hard way”

Me:  “I understand Aunty Jee, but…”

Anuty Jee: “You see, today you young generation have ebery (every) thing on plate.  Cars, flats, houses and even ristay (marriage proposals)”

Me: “But..”

Aunty Jee:  “What But but but, look at your 3 piece suit – I bet you have hundreds of these suits but in our time we only had two Sarees.  One in the wash and one we were wearing.  I tell you, there is no value in anything any more”

Me: “But…”

Aunty Jee:  “What but, but.  Tell me have you done shady (married) yet?”

Me:  “No”

Autny Jee:  “What do you mean NO, bloody what’s the problem”

Me:  “Aunty Jee, there is no problem.  You daughter doesn’t answer my phone calls – what can I do”

Pause the conversation.  OK this was meant to be a joke, we call it banter and a sarcastic remark, and oh boy did I ask for it or what.  To be honest, I didn’t even know she had any daughters or at least I can’t recall meeting any recently.  Continue conversation:

Aunty Jee:  “Which daughter, is it Simren.  I tell you Simren is always on Bacebook (facebook) all the time.  She tell Choti (I assume Choti is the younger daughter) she likes you, and Choti tells me – I know, so why she not answer your call – I bloody phix (fix) her.  Oi Simren, Ithay Ahh (Oi Simren come here)” By this point, Anunty Jee was shouting out loud across other people who were seated, “ithay ahh and tell me why you not answer this boys bhone (phone)?”

Me:  “Aunty I was joking, listen Aunty I don’t even know your daughter – I was kidding”

Aunty Jee:  “Puthar it’s OK.  I know Simren, she bloody in her room all day and always in bacebook (facebook).  She been home from Univerbasty (University) for two bloody weeks and I no seen her, she always in labtop (laptop) or listen to busic (music).  I shout but she no bloody hear me”

Pause the conversation.  At this point, I see her daughter called Simren walk up to join us.  I was impressed by Simren’s eloquent walk, and her look (white saree and silver jewellery, with some red touch in it, and did I tell you – white is one of my favourite colours?).  Her look was simply (hardly any cosmetics) but yet pretty and attractive.  I could tell she has natural long hair, but for this occasion she had curled them slightly and she looked beautiful.     I now recognised who Simren is – and the last time I saw her we were much younger at it must have been at least 10 years ago or more.  I felt nervous and I felt my tie get tighter and tighter as Simren approached us.  So as Simren joins us.  Continue Conversation:

Simren:  “Yes Mom, what” with a nice gentle smile towards me.

Aunty Jee:  “Yes mom di batchi (daughter of), ithay ahh.  Why you no take this boy phone call?”

Me:  “Aunty Jee, please listen..”

Aunty Jee:  “Puthar don’t burry (worry), I talk to her”

Simren:  “Mon, what are you talking about, who is he and why would he call me?”  I could see total confusion in Simren’s face.  She too didn’t recognise me and I could feel my collars irritate with the heat expressed by my increasing nervousness.

Aunty Jee:  “What, you don’t know him, hey listen don’t go far with me.  I tell you at home bloody get off bacebook (facebook) and interact with family so you see the real world.  I tell you now and you bloody listen, when this boy call you, you answer his phone – OK”

Simren:  “Mom, are you feeling OK, who is he, and I’m totally confused?”

Aunty Jee:  “Chup karr (Shut up), don’t know who he is.  I don’t want no excuse.”

At this point, Simren is giving me the most serious looks I have ever had in my life.  Having said that Simren is actually pretty and attractive.  I try my best to avoid eye to eye contact with her during the 3-some conversation.  But Aunty Jee, has taken this joke to the next level and I felt embarrassed, ashamed and numb.

Aunty Jee continues:  “Tu Sadah Puthar hai (your our son) and you welcome to our home anytime.  You know where we live now?”

Me:  “Aunty Jee, erm No, I think you lived in South Pudsey right”

Aunty Jee:  “oh no puthar (laughs) that was a long time ago.  We now moved to other end of Pudsey and we have a much bigger house now – you will like.  Simren – give this boy our address now.  Your mom always complains you not at home and is trouble, but she is wrong – you are a good son I will tell her”

Simren:  “Right, give me your number so I can text you our address” Still giving me those serious looks and with a fake smile.  She managed to frown and produce a fake smile at the same time – which was sort of cute but I never felt so nervous in my life.

Me:  “my number is XXXXX XXXXXX, (and at this point the Aunty Jee reaches up for my cheeks, pulls down my face towards her and gives me a sloppy fat kiss on my cheek and walks away), Simren, Serious it was meant to be a joke.  You mom blew it out of proportion”.

Simren:  “How dare you tell a lie?  I am not impressed.  You embarrassed me and this is the last thing I want.  I’ll deal with you later.  Thanks for your number and I’ll text you the address later.  Your reputation speaks for itself and you know what – you will never change” With a punch to my arm she walked away with an angry look (in fact she looked cute).

I thought this was it but then Simren stopped, turned around and said “If you even think about coming over to your house, I’ll make sure you walk away carrying your legs”, she smiled again and walked away.

Dam, Simren from cute turned to hot.  I felt energetic and safe that I got away with it – well sort of.

Around 10 minutes later, I got a text from Simren with the address and a nice little message saying “Don’t even think about it”.

Boy oh Boy, have I been challenged or what.  My reply to her was this

To be continued… but the video somewhat captures the mood soon after:

Phir Mohabbat Karne Chala Hai’ [Official video song] ‘Murder 2′ Ft. ‘Emraan Hashmi’

British-Asian Wedding Marathon Finally Over

..and at last, I get a chance to write and have some quality time to myself.  The British Asian Wedding Marathon has been a blast of a time.

Over the last two weeks popularly known as Easter period, I have attended 5 weddings in 5 days (7^th, 8^th, 9^th, 14^th and 15^th April).  Not just attended but been pretty much part of the organisation of them too, including all the ceremonial activities, often expanding for couple of weeks prior to the big day.

Over the last few years, the Easter period has increasingly proved to be a popular time in the year for families to plan weddings.  It has benefits for everyone.  The kids are off from schools, students are off from Colleges and Universities and most people who work tend to take off holidays during this period, to be with their families and siblings and also to take advantage of the two public holidays (Good Friday and Bank holiday Monday).

As my wedding marathon comes to a close, I feel proud that I managed to be part of all the weddings, including planning before, during and after each wedding, and still lived to tell the tale(s).

Most of these weddings have been in the planning phase for well over a year and in one case almost two years.  It’s been a sensation in watching each wedding come together on the important day(s) and in the end, it’s all been worth it without a doubt.  Majority of these weddings were either relations or distant relations and a couple were of close family friends.

Many of you no doubt will be aware that Asian weddings are not ‘one day’ ceremony.  Asian weddings span over couple of weeks of ceremonies, including singing and dancing, Mehndi night(s), and other ritual events often building up to the ‘big day’.  These 5 weddings didn’t fall short of any expectations I must say.

It’s been the first time ever that I physically got involved in these weddings.  Previously, I would have come up with all the reasons under the sun, for not wanting to attend such weddings and I have explained this in an early post.  For some reason which is unknown to me, I couldn’t avoid them and in fact – truth be told, I actually wanted to be part of them.

Many people, who read this, will be accustomed to the grandness of Asian weddings, especially South Asian style weddings.  There is never a small wedding and guest less than 400 are frowned upon as not being too Grand-enough.

Right now, I feel extremely tired, not just physically but mentally too (including financially).  While I write this post, I have had a strong mug of coffee.  Thanks to Amy (the Business Analyst) who made me one after instantly recognising that I needed one when I walked into the office like a zombie at 10:25.  You may question “what’s the big deal with having a mug of strong coffee?”  Well the reason why I mention this is because the last time I had coffee was in University during my studies and that was back in 2006.

For now, this is all I can physically and mentally afford to write.  Stay tuned as I have more tales and stories to share with you from these five weddings, including my thoughts, opinions and views on many aspects of Asian weddings.

War on Fast Food

Most of you won’t know that I am part owner of a fast food restaurant/business.  This is one of my entrepreneurial achievements thus far, proudly owning 55% of the business, with another two partners.  In so far as entrepreneurial achievements, this is not the only business I part own, to add to the portfolio I part own a Gym and a Printing Firm.  I’m barely past my mid-twenties and I would regard my professional career as a Project Manager in the healthcare industry to be my main focus, at least for now.

Besides, as a British Asian, my family (and especially the elder clan) regard my career in the healthcare industry far superior and more respectable than the businesses I own, despite my accountant’s figures saying otherwise.

Having a professional career and owning businesses pretty much takes up all the time I have.  As well as working hard, extremely hard, I’ve got into the habit of being smart and staying few steps ahead of the game.

Making good use of every minute I have has got me to overlook, neglect and compromise some parts of my personal life, i.e. my health.  Being an owner of a fast food business definitely has not helped me.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not over-weight, or obese in anyway – I’m still slim as I was in my teenager years, still have the physique and in some ways its more toned than it has ever been, but the trouble I have is saying ‘NO’ to fast food.

In November 2011 I declared war on fast food, I came to a decision that my diet needed to be controlled and that the amount of fast food I eat needed to be reduced to the bare minimum.  Being so busy in coordinating business and managing my career, I got into the ugly habit of eating while on the move – meaning either eating out in restaurants, at my own fast food business or generally ordering something already made to eat at home.  This has made me aware and cognisant that if I’m not careful in what I eat and when I eat it, I could be heading towards a life with increased waist line and reaching a point where I can no longer see my toes if I was standing up straight.  I’m sure I don’t need to give you all a lecture on the impact fast food has on our health and wealth.

My parents, brothers and sisters never fail to make the point that I no longer join them at the dinner table, and when I eventually do, I eat in such a hurry as if the world is about to end in seconds.  As a British Asian family, food variety has never been an issue in the household, every day of the week there is something different cooked and praise is to those individuals who make every effort to keep our stomach full.

So, as a result of my contemplation in November of last year, I decided to phase out fast food from my diet.  Almost 3 months have gone past and I’m happy to share that from eating fast food 3 to 4 times a week I have now limited it to just 4 times a month (every Friday with family).  I’ve become a good boy so to speak and make the extra effort to eat dinner with the family at home.

Admittedly, it’s not been easy in taming my will power.  I can wisely tell myself that eating fast food ‘junk’ is not doing me any favours – health wise and finance wise – and at times, when I’ve had a scent of Garlic Sheekh Kebabs sizzing on the grill, or the sight of chicken donner sitting on the soft-moist-buttered Naan, or when I’ve covered a shift for someone, or seen the pizza come out of the Pizza conveyor belt, my will power declares war on me and threatens to teach me a lesson.  That said, I have managed to stay focused and managed to fight my will power pretty good.

So guys, despite being a part-owner of a fast food business – I have declared war on eating take outs and fast food.  I know physically I feel more alive, less lazy and more alert – whether this has anything to do with the change in diet – I don’t know.  But one thing for sure, I feel much happier that I’m winning this war.

For now, the above is enough as an update on this war, there is however more details available which I’d like to share – but will share them in upcoming posts.

Friday Funnies – Part 4

Friday Funnies by The British Asian Blogger

Disclaimer: Not intended to offend anyone but if they do then tuff – that’s just life.

Previous Friday Funnies Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Friday Funnies Number One:

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

Friday Funnies Number Two:

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading “Wife Wanted.” – The next day he received a hundred letters saying “You can have mine.”

Friday Funnies Number Three:

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.

Friday Funnies Number Four:

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it

Friday Funnies Number Five:

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

You have any Friday Funnies to share?

Friday Funnies

Friday Funnies – By The British Asian Blog

Often on Friday (yes, the last working day of the week) I receive many funny jokes either by email or text from work colleagues and friends. These can be really funny and amusing – but for me the best ones are those that are short, simple but yet drastically funny.

So I thought it would be great to post a couple of these here for you all to enjoy, and if you have any Friday funnies then you can share them here too.

Disclaimer: Not intended to offend anyone but if they do then tuff – that’s just life.

Friday Funnies Number One:

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night, “Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?” she said. Being the nice guy I am I thought “What the hell I’ll treat her” So we walked past it again.

Friday Funnies Number Two:

A man goes into a bank with a gun and demands money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks:

Did you see me rob this bank?

The man replied:

Yes sir, I did.

The robber shot him instantly.

The robber then turned to a couple standing next to the dead body and asked the man:

Did you see me rob this bank?

The man replied:

No Sir, I did not, but my wife did.

Moral: When opportunity knocks, make use of it…

Can you beat these Friday Funnies?

 

9/11 – 10th anniversary: Is the world a safe place now

9/11 – 10th anniversary:  Is the world a safe place now by The British Asian Blog

September 11 2001 – was the day when four planes were hi-jacked, two were flown into the twin towers New York, and two were flown into other sites.  Sunday marked the 10^th anniversary of this awful and dire day in which 3000 people lost their lives.

Since this event took place, many more continue to lose their lives around the world; one thing for sure (in my view) is the world is less safe to live in after 9/11.  I wish this day never happened and a day I wish turned out to be different for everyone, but this definitely is a day which has turned the whole world into one big battle field.

10 years on and countless number of deaths later, I’m force to rethink whether or not the ‘the war on terror’ response from USA and its alliance actually achieved anything positive?

Over the last few weeks leading up to the 10^th anniversary, I’m gradually reminded about this day by various information mediums.  Documentaries one after another on different aspects of 9/11 are aired targeting the times when TV is mostly watched, forcing the masses to relive and revive that moment when the planes struck the towers.   This day was a nightmare and everything that followed on from this day was even worse.  Why should we be forced to relive or stimulate these nightmares and be reminded of how society crumbled literally over night?

Nonetheless my thoughts and prayers go out to those innocent people who have lost their lives since 9/11.  10 years on I’m convinced that America could have taken a different route to bring whoever was behind 9/11 to justice.  As it stands there is so much discrepancies around 9/11 which casts a shadow on the official US government explanation and evidence.

After 9/11 there were many repercussions on people and communities around the world, British Asians were for sure a community and amongst others who experienced hostilities from a generally neutral society.  It caused problems for many people and in all sectors, racism rocketed since 9/11 against Muslims or anyone who appeared to look like a Muslim, and media-manufactured stories didn’t help.

Many British Asians may evoke hearing stories or evening experiencing racism in places where they lived for decades without any trouble, in places where they worked, studied or socialised.  For sure life for many British Asians became difficult and lived in fear of reprisals and punishments from society which they were very much part of.

10 years on, life has improved somewhat for British Asians but embedded deep inside the subconscious mind of the British Society there still lingers the antagonism and racism which has given rise to Islamaphobia.  Life for sure hasn’t been the same since 9/11. Asian society on the receiving end made numerous attempts to launch projects to help level out any issues and to educated people in to live together in harmony and better tolerance.  One such attempt was a Bollywood movie called “My Name is Khan” which addresses confusion that many people have.  It was a success but not reality.  We have got some way to go before we see living conditions improve in all areas for British Asians.

Thanks for dropping in..

For some strange reason, I decided to finally own a blog of my own (the strange reason I will write about later, when I have understood it properly).  An achievement by my standards.  Thank you for dropping by – I’m glad somehow you managed to click your way here.

There is a reason why I decided to own my own blog, and why I chose the deliberate blog name (or url) as ‘The British Asian Blog’ which I hope to write in another blog post either tomorrow or the day after.  That said – I have struggled to search for other British Asian blog(s) that exist and that are live today (as some do exist but the owner appear(s) to have gone a long vacation since the last post(s) are in 2006 or earlier).  Do British Asian blogs exist?

Anyway – I wanted to start this blog with a little welcoming note.  As I said before, I hope to start writing in the coming days, once I’ve played around with wordpress and its features.

Once again, Thank You for visiting, and I hope you do return and on a regular basis.