*name changed to protect identity
It has been difficult several months since our engagement. I’m tempted to tell you in very fine detail but I see that you are focused on two important parts of your life, your career and our wedding. I’ve battled my demons before, but since our engagement, my new demons or rather big compared to the past – they make me weaker. You see me, I stand outside my car on the curb leaning my back on the bonnet of my Range Rover. I see you park your car and walk over to me. You have a giggling walk – you half walk and half run towards me. You push yourself and lean into me, you reach up and run your hands through my hair. Gosh that feels good, it’s soothing and it’s meaningful. “How are you” you say, and your hands are still in my hair. Only if I could tell you that I’m weakening from within. I use to be strong but I don’t feel it anymore. I use to get what I want – even the camaraderie of another women ‘as and when’ but limited to sex only, now I can’t. I want to tell you that I am fighting my demons and believe me Simren*, I am fighting them hard – with everything I have got.
“A little tired” I reply and display my cheeky smile. You look up at me, into my eyes, I look back and I love what I see. Your innocent eyes, the shape of them, the curled eyelashes and the smoothness of your skin, fresh and young – But I look away, I fear you may see into my heart – the truth that I am hiding and hiding the war I am fighting with my demons. It isn’t a pleasant war and, for sure, I don’t want you to see it.
We get into my car, I drive, I have a habit of sitting comfortably in my seat – as if I’m learning deliberately on to your side. I have my left-hand relaxing on the central column. You slide your hand and lock your fingers into mine. I look towards you; you hum away and look out of the window at the store fronts. You connected your hand to mine via a subconscious action and I feel privileged. Your hand is cold yet soft. I like it, it is like a reassurance and I equally respond. I squeeze your hand a little hard, I can see from the side of my vision you turn and look at me “easy tiger” you say. I laugh and continue staring ahead.
Ah yes these words “easy tiger” do feed my demons. Thoughts spring into my mind. Thoughts of how these words have been uttered to me before. These thoughts you don’t want to know. They use to spur me on during my extra circular activities with women. A kind of trigger to suggest I’m just going beyond the point of pleasure and into pain. Then these words didn’t bring me a notch lower but increase in intensity, in rhythm, physically and went on to inflict more pain, until they screamed “stop, stop that’s enough” or physically escaped out of position. I can’t see myself do this to you Simren. I glance back at you to reaffirm this understanding and you do, you are innocent, you are unaware and you have underestimated this beast. I am a beast, I’ve learnt to tame and discipline myself, but for how long. After all a beast is a beast.
We arrive at our destination. You, like an excited kid, want to jump out of the car. I ask you to wait “hold on stay seated”. You are confused, you need to get used to it. It is a gentleman’s norm to walk over to the passenger side and open the door for you. I offer my arm and you hug it and leap off from the passenger side. I feel your chest and arms wrap around my arm and I’m pleasantly surprised. The demons are back and I need to fight them again.
You walk in before me, your hand leading me behind you. I smell the fragrance of your hair, as the air plays with it. I’m sure I smelt raspberry, which is soft and delicate. You simply stop at the reception, slightly taken back by the design, darkness and uniqueness of this place. It can be overpowering if you haven’t been here before. Admittedly it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Here you’ll usually find barristers, politicians, directors and other powerful entities dinning – a show of power, privilege and to some extent the wealth. You look confused and I take this opportunity to walk ahead of you. We’re greeted and he talks to me by name. You looked surprised that I’m familiar to this place, that they know me by my name. Without any hesitation, we’re asked if we want to be seated at our table. I offer you to walk in front, and you are still confused, taken back and wondering.
“We’ve done as you wished sir, you have the best table on this floor”. I hint to you to let him take off your coat for you. It’s the norm here. You still look confused and slightly overwhelmed. I like it. In fact, I find it very attractive. The slightly confused actions of your coat being taken off for you and you taking it off at the same time makes me smirk and leer. It is always ladies first, here.
Being here, being so very well acquainted to this place and the surprised yet confused look on your face make me wonder what you are wondering. I look at you and I see you are the prettiest thing here, but how do I say it to you. Anything I say will not settle in you. I reach out over the table, under the lamp my cufflink sparkle, you nervously bring out your left hand from under the table and place it in mine. Now it’s warm, it’s soft and the skin feels young. I squeeze it, like I did in the car to reassure you that it is all about you. Yes, it is all about you. The place is new to you but you are new to me. I’ve become weaker in fighting my demons, the demons that so want me to commit my first mistake with you before we become official, official in the eyes of the world. You try to reach over to my tie “You’re so far away from me” and I acknowledge. I shuffle my chair closer to you; I’m always trying to come closer to you even physically. You need to understand Simren, you are the longest I’ve known a girl without having gone as far as I have done with others. This isn’t normal for me. I must learn to respect you, you will symbolise how I look at others in a few months and I need to make sure you see that I am fighting, I am fighting these demons with everything I have.
I will fight! I will win!